How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents

Step 1

1

Learn how recognizing abuse can help you. When your parents are emotionally abusing you, it can be hard to separate the feelings that the abuse causes from the abuse itself. For example, if you don’t realize your parents are abusing you, you may start to feel bad about yourself because you’re taking their abusive words or actions to heart. Remind yourself that once you learn to identify abusive behaviors, you can start to:

Recognize that what is happening is not your fault.

Put more appropriate emotional distance between yourself and your abusive parents.

Take control of your own reactions to the situation.

Understand why your parents behave the way they do and recognize that this behavior comes from them, not from you.

Get the help that you need to cope with the abuse and start to feel better.

Step 2

2

Know the risk factors for abuse. Emotional abuse can occur in any family. However, there are a few factors that increase the risk of emotional or physical child abuse. You may be at greater risk of being abused if your parents abuse alcohol or drugs, have untreated mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder or depression, or were abused as children themselves.

Many abusive parents don’t even realize their actions are hurtful. They may not know a better style of parenting, or they may not realize that taking out their emotions on their child is abusive.

Even if your parent has good intentions, they can still be abusive.

Step 3

3

Notice your parent humiliating you or putting you down. The abuser might try to pass it off as a joke, but this type of abuse is no laughing matter. If your parent frequently makes fun of you, belittles you in front of other people, or dismisses your ideas or concerns, you are in an emotionally abusive situation.

For example, if your dad says, “You’re such a loser. I swear, you can’t do anything right,” this is verbal abuse.

Your parent may do this in isolation or in front of others, causing you to feel bad about yourself.

Tip: A little bit of teasing between family members can be normal and even healthy. However, if your parents put you down or call you names and then tell you to “lighten up” or say that it was “just a joke” when you get upset, they have crossed the line into abusive behavior.

Step 4

4

Determine whether you often feel controlled by your parent. If your parent tries to control every little thing you do, gets angry when you make your own decisions, or dismisses your abilities and autonomy, then you may be in an abusive situation.

People who engage in this type of abuse often treat their victims like inferiors who are incapable of making good choices or taking responsibility for themselves.

Your parent may try to make decisions for you. For instance, your mom might visit your high school and ask your guidance counselor about a college you didn’t want to apply to.

Your parent may feel strongly that they are just “parenting,” but this is abusive.

Step 5

5

Ask yourself if your parents accuse you or blame you for things often. Some abusers have unrealistically high expectations of their victims, but refuse to admit any wrongdoing themselves. People who engage in this kind of abuse may find ways to blame you for anything and everything, even things no reasonable person would criticize you for. They may tell you that you’re the cause of their problems so they can avoid taking responsibility for themselves and their feelings.

They also hold you personally responsible for their emotions.

For instance, if your mother blames you for being born because she had to abandon her singing career, she is blaming you for something that wasn’t your fault.

If your parents say their marriage fell apart “because of the kids,” that’s blaming you for their inability to cope.

Blaming someone for things they didn’t do is an abusive technique.

Step 6

6

Consider whether you frequently get the silent treatment. Parents who pull away from their children and don’t provide them with the emotional closeness they need are engaging in a form of child abuse.

Does your parent ignore you when you’ve done something to upset them, show little interest in your activities and emotions, or try to play it off as your fault when they distance themselves from you?

Love and affection aren’t things you should have to bargain for. This is abusive.

Step 7

7

Think about whether your parent seems to have your best interests at heart. Some parents, especially those with narcissistic tendencies, may see you as only an extension of themselves. It’s impossible for parents like this to want what is best for you, even if they themselves believe they have your best interests at heart.

Some signs of narcissistic parenting include disrespecting your boundaries, trying to manipulate you into doing what they believe is “best,” and getting upset when you don’t live up to their unrealistic expectations for you.

They are also often very uncomfortable with you having attention and will try to make everything about themselves.

For example, your single parent may guilt-trip you by saying, “Well, I know you had a party to go to with your friends, but I’m so lonely here. You are always leaving me.” This guilt-trip is a form of abuse.